I really enjoyed the acting table activity we did today. I wish I didn't try thinking myself out of situations. At times I did find the scenarios to be so real. During the one about the girl getting bullied, Megan's character was someone who didn't care at all about the girls problems. I said, "what if she tries to kill herself?" Megan remained in character of course and said "it's not my problem, she's alive so I don't care." That really got me so angry. I think when you have such a strong reaction to something (like what I just said) it's because it hits home. You don't overreact about something you can't connect to. Another thing I found difficult was sticking to my character. When the scene was something I felt strongly about, I lost my character in my real emotions and thoughts. I don't know if that was actually the case since no one was evaluating how on target I was with my character and how "well" I did. Sometimes I became so consumed with my feelings that I felt like I was losing myself. When I felt like this, I tried so hard to stick true to the character I picked.
Most of the pieces of paper I picked up contradicted themselves. At first I had a difficult time establishing the foundation of my character. I then imagined a person I knew, or even mix matched people I knew to create an image. The reason why these pieces of papers/characteristics/actions seemed to contradict themselves is because people contradict themselves. We speak so passionately about something, and then we turn around and go against what we preach. It's so hard to understand sometimes, but it's so easy to do.
After all this rambling, I am inspired by what I am feeling and what seems to be conflicting. I want to make art that means something to me. Call me selfish, but I don't think I make art for myself quite enough. I make art to make art a lot of the time, (I think that's really good too because essentially when you make art you make it for yourself) but I think it's time I start doing something that speaks to me and just means a lot. I've been going through hell for the past few weeks, and while writing this post it occurred to me that I should make art about it, and make art about what I've learned and what I'm continuing to learn (through others, with others, about others, through myself, about myself, etc...). I don't know exactly where this will take me, but I have a sense that I want to photograph human behavior. Something that's raw and candid, not just beautiful- but that doesn't mean that it can't be beautiful, because it absolutely can be. Right now I'm having difficulty putting what I want into words, but it makes a lot of sense to me.
That's fine you're having trouble putting it into words. That is because IT CAN'T BE EXPRESSED WITH WORDS!!! That is why you have to make it some other way, because if a sentence worked then you'd use a sentence, right? But it is bigger than words, more complex than words, so you have to get it out anyway you can, in whatever form it comes out. Does that make sense?
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